Table Family Update
Transcripts are AI-generated and are not 100% accurate.
Well, thanks, Jae. I am moving as I talk. Welcome everyone. My name is Debbie Manning. I'm one of the pastors here at The Table and I'm so glad you're here. Gosh, it this bright, sunny afternoon and feels far more like spring than it does like winter, and there's no football tonight, so I'm glad you made it to church. Woo hoo.
We're in a series in the book of Mark that is taking us all the way till the end of 2024. But tonight, I'm taking a little break from Mark. I'm shifting just a little bit. In the last few weeks, there's been a whole lot going on and I've been spending a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about how life can suddenly change course that in a phone call or a conversation, it can flip everything upside down in our world can become just a little bit chaotic. And the plan has changed. I don't know exactly what the plan's gonna be, but in the midst of all of that, what I'm always reminded of is God's faithfulness. 'cause God never changes, God's love for us never changes. So in the midst of changes and hard stuff, um, I wanted to talk tonight about God's faithfulness.
And so I'm talking about the story of the prodigal son, and here's why. 'cause over the last few weeks I've been, uh, I had my, I have had my pastoral care hat on quite a bit. And I was thinking about my first pastoral care class, Intro to Pastoral Care. Um, first class in seminary ever, ever. And we spent quite a bit of time on this book. It was called The Return of the Prodigal Son, A Story of Homecoming. I just love that so much. Henri Nouwen, if you're not familiar with him, um, he was a priest, a theologian, uh, a pastoral, a man with a pastoral heart. Um, and for many of us in pastoral care, we know a lot of his work: The Wounded Healer, um, Broken and Blessed.
And this is one of the highlights because this book, um, talks about God's faithfulness. So many of us are familiar with the Prodigal Son story, but I think it's deep and it's rich, and there's so much more to it than often meets the eye. I'm gonna give you a little context. We are in chapter 15 in the book of Luke. Jesus is hanging out with some tax collectors and sinners. We all know that's not good, in that world. And, uh, the Pharisees and the teachers are there and they're grumbling like, oh man, this guy actually, um, welcomes these sinners. This guy actually sits at a table and eats with them.
And Jesus, on hearing that, shares three parables. He talks about the lost sheep. A hundred sheep, one is lost, and what does the shepherd do? Spends time going after that sheep. 'cause every person is valuable in the eyes of God. And then there's the story he tells about the lost coins, a woman who had 10 coins and she lost one and spent all that time trying to find that coin. And then the third story that Jesus talks about is the Lost Son. And what these stories all have in common is that something or someone was lost and found, and then there's a celebration. All three of those have those components to the story.
But we're gonna be in the story of the Lost Son. And Jesus starts the story by saying, there's, there's a man who has two sons. And the youngest son says to him, “Hey, I want you to like give me my inheritance now, divide the property that you have, and hand it over to me.” And he does. The man does that. And the sun, no sooner than that happens, sells it, cashes it in and moves to a distant country. And he squanderers it all and sort of a wild, uh, lifestyle. What happens is there's a famine that comes across the country and, um, this son is down and out. He has no home, he has no food, and he ends up getting hired to feed the pigs. Now, if we know anything about Jewish culture, that would be a difficult thing to swallow, but that's what he does. And he realizes that somehow, some way that if he takes one more step in this direction, he's taking a step towards self destruction and he makes the decision to turn and go home.
And here's where we pick it up in verse 18: I will set out and go back to my father and say to him, father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants. So he got up and he went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and he was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son, he threw his arms around him and he kissed him. And the son said to him, father, I've sinned against heaven and against you, and I'm no longer worthy to be called your son. But the Father, he said to the servants, quick, bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet, bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate For this son of mine was dead and is alive again. He was lost and he is found. So they began to celebrate.
I wanna pause there before we finish the rest of this story. A story that really can't be separated 'cause they are, um, they speak into each other. But I wanna make sure it's clear what a big ask this son had on his father. So first of all, he brought shame on his family by even asking him to divide the property. And selling it off to someone else, in that culture, would've brought shame to his family. And the other piece of this is that asking his father for his piece of inheritance would've been in those days equivalent to saying, “I wish you were dead.”
But the father, he, the son asks, and he is given and he wanders away from his father's home after squandering it all, and he becomes lost. He loses himself. But he does have that realization about the direction he's going, and he does, he returns back home. And somehow in the midst of all that he lost, in the midst of all that he squandered, he hadn't forgotten this one thing, that he was the son of his father, his own words. I am not worthy to be called your son. I imagine he didn't feel worthy. I imagine he didn't trust or could ever anticipate the welcome that he got when he came home.
You know, Henri Nouwen, I love what he says. He says that this could also be called the Parable of the Running Father. And here's why: because in those days, if you were an elder, a senior, you would never run. It would be considered undignified. So again, it just makes this story so much more rich to know that this father, he put aside any of those cultural ideas and he ran down that road to meet his son with compassion, to meet his son with love.
And I think in this part of the story, you know what the point is? It's the lavish welcome. That's the point of the story. And what we can know is that God wants to restore. He did there. And he wants to restore you and me and sons and daughters. And all this means is that it's a surrender on our part, a full surrender to God's love and to new life that comes with that.
Okay, back to the rest of the story. Meanwhile, the older son was in the field, and when he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and he asked him what was going on? Your brother has come, he replied, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound. The older brother became angry and he refused to go in. So his father went out and he pleaded with him, but he answered his father, look, all these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders, yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you will kill the fat and calf for him. My son, the father said, you are always with me and everything I have is yours. But we have had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and he's alive again. He was lost and he is found.
I think we know, uh, we can relate, connect the Pharisees to this elder son following the rules outwardly faultless, but the return and the welcome of the youngest son, it release something in him, resentfulness righteousness, pride. And I think what sometimes we miss is that while the son might be close to home doing all the right things, that inwardly, inwardly, he had wandered away from home, wandered away from the voice just like the youngest son did that calls him beloved. And what he didn't understand was that love is not a love that you learn.
And so we have what seems like two different stories, but I think underneath it all, it's exactly the same. They didn't understand their belovedness, both of them at some level for different reasons, thought they weren't worthy of God's love. And they had moved farther and farther away from that voice. They had become deaf to the love that God had for him. And I would say easy for all of us. But why is that? What is it in our humanness that makes us wander away?
And I was thinking about, um, how wow that even starts to happen, like making bad choices, doing the wrong things when you're pretty little. Like I had a, um, when my kids were little, my husband Steve, he would come home from work. It was back in the day when he wore a suit. And right in his pocket right here, he, you guys recognize these, we call 'em fruity mint and set them min at the Manning household. And he'd have that in there. And he'd pick up Kate or Annie when they're little or Sam, and they'd go, “hi, dad, can I have a fruity mint?” And then, you know, they'd get one or two of the little fruity mints in their hands.
Well, Steve decided to resurrect this for our grandkids. So he is an office in his, our second floor, and he keeps it in the desk drawer. Well, guess who found out pretty quick where he keeps the fruity mints? Well, they all did. And it's actually one of their first questions. “Hi papa, can I have some fruity mints?” But one day, um, the kids were over playing and all of a sudden Soren our 6-year-old, the oldest of the grandkids disappeared. And then Sammy disappeared, our 4-year-old. And Sorin comes walking down (they call me Dede) “Dede, I'm sorry, I have something to tell you.” And I said, well, Soren what? I went up and I opened Papa's drawer and I got out the fruity mins. And instead of taking two, I took like a big handful. And then Sammy stole it and put the whole thing in her mouth. That's a silly story, but it's true. Like he knew that guy knew 'cause he came back to confess his sin. But he knew.
But there is something in us, this rebellion, this temptation, this rejection of what we should do that starts young. And while that is a simple, silly story, I know that I have stories of when I've rebelled, when I've made choices, either aware or unaware, that has caused this distance between God and myself. And I think that's so much what this story is actually about.
We've both been both, we've all been both sons in this story, lost far from home, sometimes in terms that are really easily visible and other times not so much. Sometimes it's harder to identify because on the exterior we look really good. But on the interior there might be a hardened heart or something that we're dealing with and struggling with. It keeps us distanced from that voice of God. And we saw it in that sun, checking the boxes, following the rules, doing all the right things, envy toward his brother that moved him further and further away from home.
And it ends up being this spiral of self-rejection, becoming deaf to that voice of love. And there's a lot of voices out there. I was thinking about that song with the phrase, looking for love in all the wrong places. 'cause that's what it feels like, isn't it? We're looking for affirmation. We wanna be recognized. We want people to know all the good we're doing. We feel like, well, how come I'm not getting, um, kudos for doing that? But I think we often look for love in all the wrong places.
Here's what Henri Nouwen says about our humanness, about his own experience on this journey. “Faith is the radical trust that home has always been there and always will be there. Yet over and over again, I have left home. I have fled the hands of blessing and run off to far away places searching for love. And this is the great tragedy of my life and the tragedy of so many that I've met on the journey. Somehow I have become deaf to the voice that calls me the beloved. I've left the only place where I can hear that voice and have gone off desperately hoping that I would find somewhere else what I could no longer find at home.”
While the reality I think of our humanness 'cause I think it is part of our story is hard, but the counter to that you guys is so much greater. And that is God's love and faithfulness. That is the reminder that there is nothing, nothing, nothing that you could do that could separate you from the love of God. And that is something we can hang onto. That is something we can hold with hope.
Because if there's anything we can learn in the story of the Prodigal Son, it's that we can know the heart of God. That's what this story shows us. The father's tender embrace of his son as he comes up the walk the father's invitation to the older son who doesn't wanna come in. What we can trust is that God's love is unconditional and that God is faithful to us.
I wanted to invite up, I have a friend, you all have a friend. Um, Brad and Anne Herman were part of starting The Table community, well I guess I should say launching The Table community when we left Christ Presbyterian Church seven years ago and landed at Knox. And then over time they, uh, they took off because Brad, a pastor as well, started his own church. But, um, I'm gonna ask Brad to come up and he has so graciously agreed to share a little bit of his story and how God has been faithful in his life. Sound good? Yeah. Do you need this? Yeah. Okay. Oh, great.
Brad Herman: Thank you Debbie. And hello everyone. It's good to be back and nice to be among you who, Anne and I have many, many good fond memories of being here and just, uh, thank you for your word. Uh, Debbie's such a great pastor and uh, it was just, uh, good for my heart. I almost thought, oh, that's right. I'm supposed to talk. I was enjoying worship so much in this, the luxury of listening and being fed by the word and the great music and to be among you.
xBut I I'm here because I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I am, uh, the son of an alcoholic who is a son of an alcoholic. Uh, my three brothers, uh, are all alcoholic, but, uh, two of them are in recovery as well as I am.
So I'm here to talk a bit about addiction because if, uh, chances are about half of you here have been affected negatively by someone's addiction, they, we know, um, statistically that eight to 10% of the population would meet criteria for substance use disorder. And for every active addict, a minimum of five, four or five people are adversely affected by their addiction. So that's a, that's half of the population. It's, um, I'm here to talk a little bit about what is addiction? How does it affect people? How, how is, how is treatment possible? How does that work? And, and how does it, um, how do you heal and work cooperatively with someone who's in recovery or inactive addiction because that's, uh, an important subject for all of us. The cost to society, to families, uh, is tremendous.
And so, uh, I am, I am a pastor. Uh, I have a BA in Human Services, a Master of Divinity, and also a Master's of Addiction Counseling. So I've worked as a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and, um, at places like Teen Challenge and also done spiritual care at Hazelden Betty Ford in Center City. So, and then, you know, I'm affected by it. So I'm like that joke about the hair club for men, guy who, I'm not only the president, I'm, I'm a member of the club. So that's an older person's joke. Some of the people get that.
But anyways, I, I share that only to say that addiction is the American Society of Addiction Medicine recognizes addiction. It has to do with the brain, the brain circuitry, and, um, maladaptive ways of coping using either, uh, behavior or substance or substances to affect or respond to this broken brain circuitry. So they know that, um, addiction is a brain problem. They, they move the diagnosis from, from a behavior problem to a brain problem.
So I've been abstinent from drugs and alcohol since 2004, but as my wife Anne can tell you, I've behaved quite addictively without picking up a substance and, uh, that it's with me because they know that it's not only a brain disorder, but it's a primary diagnosis.
Although my father was alcoholic, um, my brain just is driven differently than most people's. And so I had this before I picked up my first drink or cigarette, and it's just, it's a standalone diagnosis. It's not because my dad did anything particular or my mom, I just have it like asthma. I have that too.
Um, the other thing is it's progressive. If it's not treated by the time I quit, uh, and went into my second treatment, I could sit down and drink 36 beers in a sitting. I could drink, uh, a liter of vodka and wake up and start all over again, which I did. So my tolerance for alcohol increased, although the effectiveness, the buzz I wanted, did not. So, uh, along with that, they know that as my problems mounted because of my drinking, I would drink to deal with the problems caused by my drinking. It's called the impaired cycle.
And, uh, so I became despondent. I left the church, I left my wife and kids, and I was on basically, a downward death spiral for about two years where, um, I finally had put all my stuff in storage. I left the woman I was living with, I had just my bottle in a bag, and I was gonna finish that and wait for, uh, a semi to come and jump off the bridge so that if the fall didn't get me, the, the truck would. And that was where my alcoholism led me. I, I did call the police on me and I said, “I'm drunk, I'm scared. I don't wanna live, but I don't want to die.” And they said, “Brad, where are you?”
And they took me back to the hospital where I had been three times prior, and an addiction psychiatrist that met with me said, “Brad, I'm looking at your files, man, you're rowing like crazy, but you only got one oar in the water. That's why you keep cycling back in here. We're addressing your mental health, but you're not doing anything about your alcoholism. Get that other ore in the water.” And I chose to, so the recovery process with four kids, a wife, uh, leaving the church in, in a bad way, lot of healing was needed. But, um, thanks to, uh, the Prague program of, of recovery that's available to us, there's been a tremendous amount of healing in my personal life.
And it is treatable. That's the thing I want you to know. It is, it's, uh, chronic, it's primary, it's progressive, it's potentially fatal, but it's also treatable. And I am here to say, you know, like, are you sure Brad? And I'm saying, yes, I am sure. I have seen God work through my recovery in ways like we just read about in Luke. The love of God, the redemptive power of the Holy Spirit. The the call to do this and to face my addiction and take responsibility for my recovery has, has changed my theology, my understanding of God and how I live out my faith. And it is, um, been such a gift from God.
But I want to talk a little bit about the effects on people who try to live with someone in active addiction. Uh, there's a saying that alcoholism or addiction is the only disease that kills those that don't have it. They use the picture of a mobile, the little thing that kids have on their little, uh, carrier that they hit one part of the mobile and all the other pieces get. And that's, uh, how alcoholism or addiction works on the family system.
It can also work on the church. Uh, when I left the church I was serving, I did not leave. Well, years later I would learn that, um, the response from the congregation was, why couldn't we see Brad? Why, why didn't we see this coming? Did we push him too hard? We should have done things differently. And they really felt responsible for my alcoholism. And that is, that is not true at all. Um, but, but oftentimes family members will feel responsible for taking care of, uh, the identified patient or the addict.
And, um, as a consequence of that, it's kind of like living, um, in a, in a terrorist environment. 'cause you never know, like as a boy with an alcoholic father, I never knew who I was coming home to. I loved my dad, but he, he was alcoholic. So I'd, I remember I touched that door handle of the house and my heart would sink 'cause I didn't know who I'd find if I'd have to, you know, pick him up or carry him. You know, it's, it was just awful. So although I wasn't drinking, the effects of my father's drinking were really, uh, it causes a high deal, high level of stress and uncertainty. Um, you can become really anxious. Uh, and I was the guy in our family who for some reason chose to take care of my dad and mom, uh, Messiah complex. Now I'm the pastor of a recovery church. Go figure.
I mean, can just, you know, uh, but, but it can be really confusing when being in this alcoholic or addictive family or culture of where I am responsible and where the addict is responsible. 'cause they know that addicts, alcoholics will isolate. They're unpredictable and oftentimes they will put unwanted feelings on family members. So the family members have to deal.
Example given: I was working with this family, the, the son was, uh, an addict. Senior year of high school, couldn't work 'cause he'd have dirty UAs, uh, and was staying up at night dealing and running around and then sleeping all day. He's failing school. All of his good friends have said, no thanks. All of these not so good friends are all about him. And, um, his mom comes into his bedroom one morning to wake him up and say, it's time for school. And he yelled at her “Mom, go away. You're ruining my life.” He was ruining his life. But if you put it on mom, who's taking responsibility? Mom feels responsible now. And he gets to go use.
So there's lots of like anger addicts and alcoholics will use anger, they'll use guilt, they'll use sympathy. They'll say, you're right, I'm an addict. I'm a loser. Uh, I don't know why you hang around me. Or they'll use false hope. Like, yes, I'm going to treatment as soon as I get done with… And so they say, well, he's gonna get treatment. He said he would. But oftentimes they're just delaying taking responsibility for their addiction. So it can really, uh, mess with the family system. You don't always know what's yours to do and what's theirs.
And oftentimes in order to continue to use addictively, you have to get the rest of the people to sign on. Or if they don't, you do like I do. And you leave the system, you isolate, you avoid, um, there's secretive behavior, all that stuff because anybody who loves you, cares about you, and wants to be a family and in a healthy relationship will challenge the addict or alcoholic about their behavior. That leaves those of us who are wanting a healthy relationship scratching our heads going, I I thought we had a good, you know, what's going on here? And um, so it can be very confusing for people.
I will tell you though, when, and I want to move on 'cause we only have so much time, but so what do you do with someone who's in active addiction? Well, you do interventions, but you get somebody else involved to break that cycle. 'cause the, the family, the system's been hijacked, so you, interventionists and that kind of thing. But when a person decides to get into recovery, science knows the research they've done said explicitly that the family ought not be any part of the person's recovery. Tools for recovery. That, like for me, I need to take responsibility for my recovery. Not any of my children, not any, not my spouse. This is mine to do. And actually the healthiest recovery is for those who say I will, I'll take responsibility for my mental health, for my abstinence, for my spiritual life.
And, and so how, what is the congregation or the family's role? Is to, to take care of yourself and to know that there are three rules that are part of an active addictive family system. And that is don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. Talk, share your feelings, trust one another. 'cause the addict won't, doesn't want you to do that because then they can't use. And so talk, trust, feel, allow the the addict to take responsibility for their recovery.
And remember, like we heard in this story, uh, that God is the strongest, most reliable source of emotional stability. It's true in all of life. Our relationship with the living God, that's the constant. We read about it in the story Jesus said the father's love was, was consistent while the boys did this and that. So coming here to worship, keeping your worship routine, uh, and any spiritual disciplines you have, remember what the truth is, share that, share feelings, and uh, find support. 'cause uh, God is faithful and there this thing is treatable. And uh, and in the meantime, those of you affected by somebody else's addiction, remember that God is the greatest source of emotional stability and going to God is, is the best for us all. So with that, I'm gonna pass it back to Debbie
Debbie: Sure appreciate that. You know, it's interesting, while Brad was talking, I was thinking about, you know, when we were back at Christ Presbyterian Church, we had a huge crew that came from AA. We had a big group that used to sit together. And um, I was reminded how this place has become a safe space for people that are dealing with all sorts of addictions and abuse and things like that. And as I get back to the story for just a minute, there's one thing I wanted to say, and that's that I think in this story, while we are all and have been the older brother at some time, and there's been times when we're the younger brother, I think a part of the story, a part of this story, what Jesus is telling us is that as we lean into that, as we lean into moving home to hearing that voice, we come closer and closer to embracing our belovedness, we then get closer to becoming the father or the mother.
And what I mean by that is that when we claim God's love for ourselves, we can move toward that motherly fatherly love. And then we can be people that always welcome. We can be people that wanna celebrate when people come home.
I was, um, we asked Brad to speak tonight for a very specific reason. And I was, um, thinking a lot about this text and foundational to it is our belovedness. I mean that, that was what I really got out of this was that, um, we are the beloved children of God. And when we don't believe that or live it out or lean into that, that's where we start wandering away from home and wandering away.
And I was thinking about this text, Matthew 3:16-17, “As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went outta the water. And at that moment, heaven was opened and he saw the spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, this is my son whom I love. And with him, I am well pleased.”
And I don't know about you who've been around for a long time, but I can't hear that without thinking about Matt. Because Matt could deliver a message on this. Like nobody, I mean, he spoke into this in a way that impacted me and impacted so many of you. That reminder that we are beloved children of God.
Part of why we ask Brad to speak tonight is because, um, I started out tonight saying that it's been a crazy couple weeks or a hard couple weeks and this is hard. But we, um, are committed to transparency and we are committed to loving and standing by Matt and Lauren and his kids. And we want to let you know that The Table board has agreed along with Matt, that he will be taking a three-month paid sabbatical while he gets treatment for substance abuse and mental health.
So in that, um, we wanna also say that this is, um, not all parts of this is our story to share. This is Matt and Lauren's story, but what I want you all to know is that we are determined to lead with love. We will hold grace and accountability together, that we, our board has been working very hard on, um, putting together a, you know, we had to step into these things like legal documents and all these things, but we are committed to doing all we can do to, um, stand in their corner and be supportive.
What I can let you know is a week ago Thursday, Matt went to a drug and alcohol mental health assessment through a licensed counselor. And they too have determined that what he needs is intensive outpatient treatment and therapy. And that is indeed what he has agreed to do and wants to do. And so we're, we're so grateful for that.
For those of you who've been along, you know, some of the story around not everyone does. But you know, seven years ago we took this church and launched it into the city. And so this is hard. Like Matt and Patti and Christian and I have been together for a long time, add Maggie into it now. And we are more than colleagues. We are family. In this small community, we are family too. So we are heartbroken. And I want you to hear me say that: we are heartbroken.
But the good news is Matt has a really strong, beautiful, loving family standing with him, the Moberg's and Lauren's family and the Mannings. 'cause you know, the other weird thing of how we're all woven together in a way that is kind of weird, but um, you know, and so we're all trying to walk that really, um, carefully and honoring Matt and Lauren and, and of course those boys that we all love so much. They've grown up in this church and we know them well, but we did.
Um, and I will tell you too that this process has been thorough. Um, the right people have gotten involved at the right moment and that, um, I have been in communication both with Matt and Lauren quite a bit. And um, we have kept them. Um, I've kept that. I've let them know every step of the way what's going on, including tonight, everything.
And so we feel really good. We don't know exactly what we're doing, but we're trusting God's faithfulness in it. Just as God has been faithful to this community since we launched it and walked through Covid and George Floyd and two moves and um, and now this. But that's what we trust in is God's faithfulness.
And just like the story of the prodigal son, we don't really know what happened. We don't know if the younger son changed his behavior and everything was great. And we don't know if the older son stepped into that party and let go of some of his resentment and he too forgave and just like that, um, none of us know exactly where this will land. But I wanna tell you guys that I have and our team has, and the board has complete confidence in God's faithfulness. God has always been faithful to us. God will continue to be faithful and we trust that he will be faithful to Matt and his family as well.
Um, we are a community. Matt created this too. I mean when I think about all the things he's created and put in place here, but we are a community practicing the ways of Jesus. And we can look at the aim of Jesus and his ministry and his practices and the way he lived. And we can look at that and see that he has revealed like the inexhaustible, the unlimited motherly fatherly love of God. And he has showed us what it looks like to love like that. And that's what we're committed to do. We're gonna love that family. We're gonna love one another. We're gonna do what's best for them and the flourishing for the church. And we'll walk it honestly,
I'm sure down the road we will have a community update. We have someone from the board that will be a liaison and stay in contact with Matt. Um, and uh, he and I are right now deciding if it's a good thing for he and I to keep talking. And I think it has to be good for both of us. I don't want to do have anything that would come in the way of his treatment.
Um, I'm gonna end with this. I'll say a few more words before the benediction. But like the father in the story, God has never ever pulled back his arms. He has never, ever done anything but stop. He has never stopped running toward us. And that's the message of today's text that we wanna love like that and we will.